We’re not fooled by descriptions of cars as “five-door” when it is really four doors and a boot. All cars have boots. The boot is the vehicular equivalent of general studies A-level. Give it up.

Yours faithfully,

Le Poulet Noir

2. Norman Wisdom chose five of his own songs, including the appropriately titled Narcissus.

3. Rolf Harris, cartoonist, artist, pop singer and a national treasure who recently admitted that he’d never read any Shakespeare, has appeared on Desert Island Discs twice, so he cannot claim not to understand the concept. Nevertheless, for his second outing, in 1999,  he chose three songs of his own.

4. Only two people have ever chosen Gary Glitter records to take with them, and one of them was Gary himself. Paul Gadd, to call him by his real name, was interviewed in 1981, 15 years before he was convicted of abusing two underage girls.

5. And finally, Engelbert Humperdinck, the ham-faced cheese-peddler who, if placed under a metaphor grill, would be a crooning croque monsieur. He only chose one of his own records, but earns his place with his spectacular choice of book to take with him to the island: his own autobiography.

If anyone knows where I can buy this track (for reasons unfathomable, I cannot buy it from the MySpace site) then I’ll be as grateful as a cockney pensioner with a cup of tea.

The Independent

Will this become a trend, I wondered. Will Tracey become an artist-in-residence for the newspaper, composing impressionistic works of art in response to every news event? Here is a top 5 of how The Independent might have observed momentous occasions over the last 100 years, from the recent expiry of a certain terrorist mastermind to the sinking of the Titanic.

The killing of Osama bin Laden

September 11, 2001

The Tiananmen Square massacre

The US capture of Iwo Jima

The sinking of the Titanic

Official captions suggest he is Denis McDonough, deputy national security adviser to the President. I don’t usually count myself as a conspiracy theorist, but if you base all your judgment solely on these pictures then something is certainly awry.

Hugo Boss was a card-carrying member of the Nazi Party, and not in a he-had-to-join-up-to-save-his-business kind of way. He joined two years  before Adolf Hitler came to power and remained as one while he produced uniforms for the Waffen SS.

Now, I don’t believe that children should be made to pay for the sins of their parents, and I’m aware that there are other companies still in existence that did worse than Boss’s. (BASF, for example, manufactured the gas used to murder Jews in the Holocaust.) That said, I find it profoundly weird that so much money has gone into promoting the name of a man who thought Hitler was a force for good.

I don’t know about you, but it is going to be hard for me to envision Kate Moss’s face henceforth without seeing a little moustache on her upper lip.

Organisers have praised lower levels of crime at T in the Park this year, despite the attempted murder of two men as the festival drew to  a close.

“He was unique. There will never be another Kenneth McKellar,” said the late singer’s son, Kenneth.