Government health warning: Sex with James Bond

27 per cent of James Bond’s sexual partners die.

Are you considering having sex with James Bond? Think!

More than one in four of Bond’s sexual partners die within days or even hours. A sexual act with this man is almost 100 times more dangerous than having sex with someone with HIV.

No clinical link has been made between Bond and the deaths, but statistics show that of Bond’s 48 recorded lovers, 13 have met a grisly end.

Symptoms may include:

  • shortness of breath after being painted with gold
  • a tingling sensation while transporting a bomb on a mine cart
  • stabbing pains during a savaging by dogs
  • nausea in anticipation of being run over by a beach buggy, and
  • haemorrhaging caused by contact with a Japanese man’s hat.

Medical opinion is divided on effective preventative measures, but evidence suggests that having a name that sounds like a euphemism for being a bit of a goer affords some protection. In Bond’s first four missions, Jill Masterson and Fiona Volpe suffered fatal accidents, while Honey Ryder, Sylvia Trench, Tatiana Romanova and Pussy Galore pulled through.

5 Responses to “Government health warning: Sex with James Bond”

  1. Tom L Says:

    Of course, when you say that “No clinical link has been made between Bond and the deaths”, you are obviously excluding the clear forensic connection between Bond and the death of Elektra King, whom he murders. I’d say it’s not a Government Health Warning that is needed, but a warrant for Bond’s arrest.

  2. laverneandshirley Says:

    That’s hilarious!! HA HA HA! I’ll remember that when I go see the new Bond movie this weekend.

  3. beobachtend Says:

    thats a good one!!

  4. Ninitha Says:

    good one!! how do you even think all this up!!!! keep this in mind for the next time Bond approaches me.. (wink wink)

  5. Le Poulet Noir Says:


    Since his last mission, the number has risen to 30 per cent (15 dead out of 50 lovers). Research suggests that sexual partners should also be wary of hammocks and lifts.

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