Deconstructed horoscopes

Post-modernism seems to have ignored the subject of horoscopes. No longer. What does your deconstructed future hold for you? The mystic chicken interprets your future…

Aries: You have aspirations and responsibilities, and will be confronted by opportunities and dangers.

Taurus: An astral event suggests a looming danger or opportunity in your health, finance, relationships or two of the above.

Gemini: There will be an opportunity on Friday relating to your aspirations that should be seized with vigour.

Cancer: Activity in the heavens that actually took place a long time ago but is only now observable means that Friday will bring danger. Exercise caution.

Leo: Universally applicable and complimentary traits will serve you well in realising your aspirations this week.

Virgo: Apparently negative traits that can actually be seen as virtues (such as an impulsive nature or an inability to suffer fools) will need to be kept in check to avert dangers.

Pisces: Something unexpected will happen, which is ironic, given that this horoscope should have anticipated it and warned you about it.

Aquarius: You will receive advice that is either more reliable than this horoscope and should be heeded, or less so, and ignored.

Capricorn: You will be required to make a decision about something that will have a bearing on your well-being or the well-being of others, thus reassuring you that your actions have meaning.

Saggitarius: Someone will do something that will appear to have a hidden motive if you look hard enough.

Scorpio: Although your fate is pre-determined by mighty forces we are fit never to comprehend but only to interpret, you are somehow able to exercise agency.

Libra: Your horoscope is very similar to another star sign’s, because making up 12 of these things is quite a challenge week after week.

3 Responses to “Deconstructed horoscopes”

  1. Tom L Says:

    Well, we’re all in deep shit now Pluto’s not a planet. According to this crackpot, “Pluto rules prostrate, tumors, hormones, cancer cells, asthma, hay fever, polyps, finger and toe nails, skin ailments.” My toe nails have been going crazy ever since!

  2. laverneandshirley Says:

    Ooo! Friday means danger for me! I wonder if my boss will take that for a reason to stay home from work!

  3. Spunk Says:

    Haha. I’m a Leo. Now I just have to work up some aspirations.

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