Archive for March, 2007

Tap dancing

Thursday, March 29, 2007

For the first time in my life I danced, literally, for joy. I have danced before, you understand, but whether it has been an expression of joy or not is a moot point. Unfortunately for anyone reading this, it was a case of technishererfolgangbemangelsfrust, for it involves replacing the washer on a tap.

A washer so old that neither of my two local plumbing suppliers had seen one before. I do not say this lightly. The Venerable Sikh, who is to DIY what Bob Dylan is to motorcycle impersonation, furrowed his brow so hard the lines could be seen from space. His younger rival asked: “How old is the tap? Is it Victorian, or somefing?”

Faced with the prospect of replacing my bathroom taps (shortly before my impending move to a new flat) and weeks without water (unless I wanted to recreate Old Faithful every time I washed my hands) I went into a fug. I bought the largest rubber washer the Venerable Sikh had and went home convinced that balancing it on the valve seat would be as half-arsed as CunĂ©gonde’s one-buttocked maid in Candide.

“Ha ha,” I roared when it worked. I danced an unattractive jig and marvelled that this was the finest case of technishererfolgangbemangelsfrust I had ever encountered.

Victorian rubber washer

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Top 5 sectarian chants

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The problem with sectarian chants at football matches is that they don’t make much effort to pinpoint the differences between Catholicism and Protestantism. When Glasgow Rangers fans taunt Glasgow Celtic fans by singing “Have you had your chicken supper, Bobby Sands?” in reference to the death, 26 years ago, of the hunger-striking MP for Fermanagh & South Tyrone, they seem to have lost the idea altogether. Chanting about a political event in the early 1980s that was part of a distant and dormant conflict is no way to cheer on your team.

Here are five suggestions that put the schism back into the stands:

1. You’re not transubstantiating any more

2. The referee’s not infallible

3. You only make church sacraments when you’re winning

4. Hate the idea of women conducting the Eucharist, oh we hate the idea of women conducting the Eucharist

5. There’s only one apostolic succession (Yes, there’s only one apostolic succession etc)