Top 5 activities for a visiting Pope

The reporting of jokes contained in a Foreign Office memo about an impending Papal visit to Britain has been pretty po-faced. The memo did indeed feature suggestions that Benedict XVI could open an abortion ward, launch a brand of condoms and bless a gay wedding, but it also contained less offensive and funnier jokes about him doing forward rolls to promote healthy living and apologising for the Spanish Armada.

It may be worthwhile to celebrate this inspired piece of memo-drafting with an alternative top five activities for a visiting Pope.

1. Visit a Portaloo in a wooded area. Possibly with a Catholic bear, if available.

2. Receive a rapturous welcome in Camden from purveyors of witty T-shirts lionising his attested recreational drug use.

3. Have his bottom bitten by a flea, thus vindicating the mawkish song Little People in Les Miserables that makes the point that humble creatures can affect grandees.

4. Burn Protestants. Health and safety advice suggests burning only dead ones at a crematorium.

5. Put up a tent, go on a bicycling holiday, and other activities that may remind him of his formative years in the Hitler Youth.

5 Responses to “Top 5 activities for a visiting Pope”

  1. yarb Says:

    lol @ #5.

    Add: star in zombie movie. Throw hot cross buns at Rowan Williams.

  2. pouletnoir Says:

    The Papal zombie movie is very much an underexploited genre.
    A colleague told me yesterday that Benedict XVI’s resemblance to the Emperor in Star Wars means that she cannot see a picture of him without hearing the Imperial March theme. Now that she’s told me, I have the same problem.

  3. tl Says:

    All wags, roister-toisters and raconteurs should observe a moment’s silence for the fearless FCO team that put this together and were shafted by their humourless coleagues. Please ensure taht Steven Mulvain has an invite to the next Bigot’s Night.

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    And now, no matter how unlikely it is, the situation has arisen where the cheque book may not be needed after all.

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