If I did it

O J Simpson – the former sports star who is only a killer on the balance of probabilities and not beyond reasonable doubt – may have had his how-to murder manual, If I Did It, dropped by HarperCollins on the grounds that it was staggeringly tasteless, but other publishers are circling (according to a report I read but, alas, can no longer find).

I am clearly missing a trick. After all, I didn’t do it either. If I had done it, though, I would certainly have arranged for a friend to drive me for 60 miles at the head of a convoy of police cars while I sat next to him holding a gun to my head. That is indispensable.

But anyway, I like to think that Simpson’s tome is merely the first of a series. If I Did It – The Murder of Airey Neave Outside the Houses of Parliament in 1979, for instance, would make a good sequel. Or If I Did It – The Nanking Massacre in 1937. There is no shortage of deaths for which Simpson was not responsible. In this context, it seems unfortunate that his first book happened to be about the one person who, in the eyes of a California court, he probably did kill.

4 Responses to “If I did it”

  1. Tom L Says:

    Books in the If I did It range could be made more riveting if they took the format of Jackson and Livingstone Fighting Fantasy books. Just to stress the “fantasy” element, of course.

    Page 18: You have some leather gloves. They’re slightly tight.

    Turn to page 79 if you decide to wear them anyhow. Turn to page 41 if you discard them

  2. pouletnoir Says:

    Now that is a good idea. Also:

    page 41: You find, to your disgust, that there is blood on your socks. If you decide to take them off and leave them carelessly at the end of your bed, turn to page 57. If you burn them in a dumpster, turn to page 80.

  3. Tom L Says:

    Page 80: Congratulations, not even Colombo could pin this on you. Get yourself a drink!

  4. krkbaker Says:

    you guys are hilarious, thanks for the laugh

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