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The health warning issued two years ago appears to have little effect on women’s ignorance of the risks of sleeping with James Bond.
The man is more dangerous than ever: there is now a 31 per cent chance of premature death among Bond’s sexual partners.
His most recent mission saw not only a rise in the casualty rate to 16 deaths out of 51 lovers, but also a worrying failure of the only known method of protection – having a silly name.
Medical opinion remains divided on the matter, but it appears that Strawberry Fields’s moniker was insufficiently racy to afford her the same protection previously enjoyed by Pussy Galore and Molly Warmflash. Camille, surname unknown, was sensible to resist Bond’s advances. According to advice issued by the Chief Medical Officer, her only hope would have been a surname like Rubmealova or Moistclam.
Mortality rates have risen from 27 per cent during Bond’s first 20 missions to 30 per cent for Casino Royale and now 31 per cent.
Recent danger signs include overly tight hammocks, underwater lifts and application of the wrong type of essential oils.
Le Poulet Noir 
