Superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls

Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca poses many questions. What colouring pencils did Martin have as a child, for instance. Were his childhood daubs peppered with girls with “devil red” lips and bodies drawn in the colour mocha? But I am preoccupied by one line in particular:

“She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain”

Two scenarios present themselves:

a) You’re in the living room, and the woman suggests you take off your clothes. Fantastic, you think, I had my suspicions from the colour of her lips that she would be up for a bit of rumpty-tumpty. “Right,” she says. “Now go outside and dance.” Well, look, I’d rather not. It’s raining. Are you coming as well? “No. Now move it, pendejo, or there will be no sex for a month.”

b) You’re in the bedroom, and the evening is going well. “Take off your clothes,” she says. Here we go, here we go, you think. “I’m going out now,” she says. “See you later.” What? Why? “To dance. In the rain. Adios.”

I’m struck by the thought that there are two types of people in this world: those who believe that she makes you take your clothes off and makes you go dancing in the rain, and those who prefer that she makes you take your clothes off and goes dancing in the rain herself. Which are you?

Deconstructed horoscopes

Post-modernism seems to have ignored the subject of horoscopes. No longer. What does your deconstructed future hold for you? The mystic chicken interprets your future…

Aries: You have aspirations and responsibilities, and will be confronted by opportunities and dangers.

Taurus: An astral event suggests a looming danger or opportunity in your health, finance, relationships or two of the above.

Gemini: There will be an opportunity on Friday relating to your aspirations that should be seized with vigour.

Cancer: Activity in the heavens that actually took place a long time ago but is only now observable means that Friday will bring danger. Exercise caution.

Leo: Universally applicable and complimentary traits will serve you well in realising your aspirations this week.

Virgo: Apparently negative traits that can actually be seen as virtues (such as an impulsive nature or an inability to suffer fools) will need to be kept in check to avert dangers.

Pisces: Something unexpected will happen, which is ironic, given that this horoscope should have anticipated it and warned you about it.

Aquarius: You will receive advice that is either more reliable than this horoscope and should be heeded, or less so, and ignored.

Capricorn: You will be required to make a decision about something that will have a bearing on your well-being or the well-being of others, thus reassuring you that your actions have meaning.

Saggitarius: Someone will do something that will appear to have a hidden motive if you look hard enough.

Scorpio: Although your fate is pre-determined by mighty forces we are fit never to comprehend but only to interpret, you are somehow able to exercise agency.

Libra: Your horoscope is very similar to another star sign’s, because making up 12 of these things is quite a challenge week after week.

Tsar tsar Channel 4

Orthodox historians frequently spin out the yarn of how Tsar Nicholas II of Russia was killed – at 2.33am on July 17, 1918 – in a basement in Yekaterinburg. The precision of the timing makes it sound authoritative, but consider for a moment this alternative scenario: he escaped Russia with nothing more than the beard on his face, and renamed himself Andrew Veitch. Some 80 years later he went on to become a reporter for for Channel 4 News. Look at the pictures. Who are you going to believe?

Can you tell what it is yet?

It has been more than a year since Rolf Harris tied his metaphorical kangaroo down and unveiled his portrait of the Queen. The monarch, he said, appeared to enjoy the sittings, spending hours at a time completely motionless. It is my duty to reveal that Rolf, who turned up at Buckingham Palace that day without his glasses, did not actually paint the Queen at all, but a small porcelain model of Gnasher from The Beano. It’s obvious now I mention it, isn’t it?

Spot the difference

Warner Bros is preparing to bring out its first feature-length computer-generated animation in Britain under the title The Reef (poster pictured on the left). The film, which is known in the US as Shark Bait, is about an orange-coloured fish who loses his family, finds a companion, and is threatened by a heavy-browed great white shark. I can’t quite put my finger on where I’ve heard this before. Perhaps someone at Disney, which distributed Pixar’s Finding Nemo (pictured, right) in 2003, will be able to help.

Of course, Warner Bros would never want to confuse filmgoers into thinking that its new film has anything to do with Nemo, which made $700 million in cinemas worldwide. Any resemblance, as they are wont to say in Hollywood, is coincidental.

A homily

In the land of euphemisms for male anatomy, the one-eyed man is king.

Is this the way to Amarillo?

There are two types of people on city streets: people who get approached for drugs and people who get asked for directions.

I’m the second. Very much the second. I get asked directions, on average, twice a week, and not just in London. Within half an hour of arriving in New York City a few weeks ago, a woman asked me if I could tell her the way to Pennsylvania Station. I had never been to New York before, but by chance I had recently arrived at the station myself, so I was able to tell her.

I have never been asked for drugs, which is just as well, since I’m not a dealer – but it is interesting how people judge you by how purposeful you look. If there is a lesson in this, it is that aspiring drug dealers should look aimless and would-be tour guides must practise looking focused. Hey, this career advisor stuff is easy.

Ask the chicken: how do I buy real clay poker chips in Britain?

It’s more elusive than Paris Hilton’s integrity or Justin Bieber’s parting, but it is possible to get hold of a real clay poker chip in Britain.

All along the watchtower

I am not going to become a Jehovah’s Witness.

Not until I’m issued with Jehovah’s subpoena.

Draughty miller

I was, I’m afraid, beaten to this story by the Mirror, but it’s worth retelling just the same. Windy Miller, the mute man of flour, is currently starring in an advertisement with full frontal nudity. (Click picture for a more detailed view.)

I have always regarded Windy as a fine citizen, his cavalier approach to health and safety notwithstanding. (If you insist on building a windmill with sails that are long enough to reach the ground, Windy, then at least put the door on the other side.) But the character’s transfer from Camberwick Green and Chigley to promoting Quaker’s Oatso Simple porridge has evidently corrupted him.

The advert uses the classic nudity-hidden-by-strategically-placed- objects sketch, as seen in episodes of Morecambe and Wise and one of the Austin Powers films. But Windy’s uncle Guber, a Norwegian naturist, does indeed flash his plasticine bits at one point as he returns to the kitchen table from the microwave.

In what is presumably an in-joke, the animators have appended an appendage to Guber’s crotch. You can’t really see it at normal speed, but slowed down it shows the nordic tadger for several frames, swinging as he turns round. Ah, the things one can do with modern technology. John Logie Baird would be proud.